First, may I just say praise the Lord for a beautiful Easter Sunday!
Secondly, I would just like to share some personal things that will hopefully bring encouragement to those who need it.
Spring is often kind of hard for me. It's kind of like Christmas time. A time when all around you, you see families, couples, adorable children,...and you think-man, I wish I had that. This covetous desire of mine has resurfaced now, partly because, 1) today I had the opportunity to spend Easter with some dear cousins of mine, and they are fortunate enough to have 5 precious grandchildren. Spending time with my cousins and their children allowed me to see what wonderful relationships they have not only with their spouses and their children (my cousin's grandchildren), but also, and above all, with the Lord. And it shows! 2) because, I live near a park. And now that the weather has warmed up, there are constantly families and couples out there basking in and enjoying the weather as well as each other. All that to say, it arouses in me a sinful discontentment with my singleness and the milestones of life in which I find myself, in comparison to the milestones in which I feel I should be hurdling by now. I am a girl-which means I have dreamed about meeting that special someone since oh...six, ha ha. Ok so maybe more like 10 ; ) Anyway, I have had it all planned out. I would meet him at college, date, get engaged, and be married all within 2 yrs. (I'm not a fan of long relationships...I think they are hard and can create temptations and dangers that are difficult even for strong Christians). In this "plan," I would be married by 22 or 23 at the latest.[p.s. I'm turning 23 on the 8th] I would graduate and move with my husband wherever his job led us. AKA, I would rely on his call and job to find my own...wrong, completely wrong and sinful, I know. I told you this was personal. Subsequently, what I have discovered is that no matter how many times I read and discard 1 Cor. 7, it is indeed truth. I am a vessel, a vessel to be filled with and overflow with the love of my Savior. A vessel who's aim is to be on the Lord and His will...to be under the constant guide of His hand... to have undivided affections for Him. Easily said, but a daily struggle. (Oh, and the vessel part, not in 1 Cor. 7. I'm referring to the undivided affections part.) I have to remind myself that my identity is to be found in Christ and in Christ alone.
Tonight at BrookHills, David Platt preached from Ruth. You may be thinking, "Ruth?," "What kind of Easter message is that?" A beautiful one! I can in no way even begin to do the message he delivered from the Lord justice, but here is the part that struck me. (Oh, and by the way you should listen to the sermon on podcast, it's incredible!). He spoke of the kinsmen redeemer and how he 1)had to have the right to redeem her, 2) had to have the resources to redeem her, and 3) the resolve to redeem her or in other words the desire to redeem her. He briefly relayed the beautiful story of redemption and love found in Ruth and then turned our attention to the Cross, to Jesus, to our kinsmen redeemer! Jesus being divine and rightfully able to redeem us. Jesus having power over sin and death and therefore, the resources to redeem us. And last, but not least the resolve to redeem us in His willingness to seek and save us! These are all notes from the sermon, so please give credit where credit is due. But what an amazing picture! How selfish and ignorant I am to desire anything and anyone more than Jesus, my kinsmen redeemer! The one who's wing I can take refuge under. There is no one like Him! There is no other bridegroom who could ever replace or even compare to Him. Oh how much I have to transform in order to love and fear the Lord the way I should-in order to be the woman, better yet, the bride He desires.
I also recently found conviction and encouragement in Elisabeth Elliot's "Keep a Quite Heart" where in speaking of singleness she says,
"Is my Father in charge here or am I supposed to take over?" He is in charge if you want Him to be. He will not invade your freedom to choose to "take over." But if you want His way, nothing more, nothing less, and nothing else, you've got to leave it to Him. It's easy to be deceived here-telling ourselves we really want His will, but meaning "I want it so long as it includes marriage!"
Prior to this she reminds us,
"No good thing will He withhold from them that walk uprightly" (Psalm 84:11, KJV). If marriage is a good thing for you, God will see to it that you receive that gift. Only He knows whether it is good for you. Are you willing to be and have what He wants you to be and have, and nothing else? Will you surrender all your own hopes, dreams, and plans to Him?"
I guess my thought here is...why wouldn't I! I have a beautiful, merciful Savior! A Bridegroom who is willing to take me regardless of my faults, flaws, and sinfulness, and He is willing to cover me in His blood and redeem me, that I may have communion with my Father. How undeserving I am, yet how grateful I am!
I guess I've come full circle here, and I want to clarify that this is not to say that I do not still desire marriage. It is simply to speak honestly of my flawed nature in thinking that a marital relationship will satisfy. This post is a way for me to journal a struggle of my flesh and heart and a proclamation and reminder for myself of my need to find full satisfaction in Jesus. My need to daily die to self and to strive to rejoice in and magnify the love and Holiness of my Savior. My need to daily hit my knees in gratitude for the redemption my bridegroom offers. Just thought I would share. Feel free to comment.
Hope this serves as a reminder of how blessed we are to serve such a wonderful God.
Updates on China: 1st payment and Visa application mailed in...yay! We are writing team biographies this week, so we can get to know each other before the trip. Oh, and please pray that I can find someone to cover my scheduled weekend shift the weekend I am supposed to leave for China. My paid time off can not cover my scheduled weekend, so I am desperate to find someone to work for me.
Updates on Insanity: Completed wk 2. Still hurts and I still have to psych myself up to do it because I know how hard it is and how miserable I am in the middle of it. I can't really see a difference yet, but I feel like I'm getting stronger...maybe I'm just hoping ; )
-with love
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